9 months

I have wanted to make a post so many times but it was always so hard for me. Nine months today Hoss came into our lives. It is so crazy how fast these last nine months have gone. It has been an emotional roller coaster both good and bad. I know I have had many struggles but I have also grown so much as a person, wife and mom.  I still feel a big void of not having a baby. The other night at a church meeting I saw and heard a couple week old baby. I wanted so bad to ask if I could just hold this baby. I knew the sweet mother would probably think I was crazy. I always think to myself "what would Hoss look like?" Would he be crawling now? What would his sweet laugh sound like? I know I can't experience any of those physical things right now. One thing I do know is he is with me in spirit everyday cheering his mom on. He gives me that boost when I am down and I feel him near. I know the day will come when I can hold him and see his sweet smile. It makes me want to try hard to be better every day. This morning I woke up and I remembered all the feelings I felt on February 2nd. Monday mornings always mean a little more to me now. My dear friend and neighbor brought me a sweet treat and a nice card. She was told me she was thinking of me today and she read a scripture and thought of me. It said, "therefore continue your journey and let your hearts rejoice; for behold and lo, I am with you even into the end."  It meant so much to me that someone still remembered and she must of felt a prompting because it was just what I needed today. A couple months after the loss of Hoss, I didn't know how I was suppose to be feeling. The world still continued to go on and people went on with their lives and I didn't know what to do. I had no baby to care for and I am some how supposed to go on with my life. Things did get easier but I for sure had my days. Then the sixth month hit... This was probably the hardest time for me. I was depressed and had really bad anxiety. I have never experienced anything like this. I did not find the joy in being a mom anymore and I thought I needed to be put on medication? I made and cancelled three doctor appointments. My husband then called my dad and I got a priesthood blessing. I felt embarrassed and Incompetent as a wife , mother and a person. I know satan had a big part of this and I felt like giving up. After the blessing I felt Hoss so close and I know he was giving me a hug and telling me "be strong mom and keep going." I prayed and prayed to find joy in being a mom again. I also prayed to feel good about myself. I started waking up early and working out trying to get my endorphins going. I can't believe how much better I felt. It literally saved me.A few weeks ago I had just put my girls down for nap decided to write in my journal and read  scriptures. I found a quote that I had written down when I was praying about having another baby before I got pregnant with Hoss. It is very special to me. It is by Niel L. Andersen, "motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling... It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for." This really hit me and I was overwhelmed with emotion. I finally felt like I was in a good place. I finally found joy in being a mom again and I felt good about myself. I can do hard

 things! I know I have and still will have my days because grief never sleeps but I have my little Hoss nudging me and telling me to keep going. I want to make him proud and I hope I am. We know Hoss is in a better and he is busy doing lots of missionary work. We pray for him daily as does our little Hinklee at two and half years old blesses baby Hoss. We are so grateful for Hoss and his example.