Feeling Grateful

These last couple of weeks have been hard not going to lie.  I have felt lots of emotions good and bad.  My story of faith was published on thesmallseed.com.  I was so nervous the night before knowing that my story was going public.  I wanted to share my testimony and hoping my story could help someone that was going through a trial of their own.  The response from the story was so amazing! I guess I never thought the response would be that big.  Social media is pretty cool!  It is a good feeling knowing that I have so much love and support from family and friends.  All the kind comments and messages brought lots of tears of gratitude!  I appreciate every one of them and hold them dear to my heart.  I know I can go back to all those messages when I am having a hard day and remember why I am on this journey.  

This last week was very, very busy.  I met with my social worker, the director from the Angel Watch program and a sweet lady who has been in my shoes having lost a baby from anencephaly a couple of years ago.  I found her blog which is amazing and has helped me so much! ourjourneywithjoy.blogspot.com  It was a great day to meet with these ladies and have some questions answered that I have had on my mind. As the time for my delivery is getting closer I am getting very nervous.  I am feeling Hoss move and kick a lot more and it is an amazing experience.   I have loved it with all my pregnancies.  I was folding laundry a couple of weeks ago, while sitting there I could feel him moving all over.  In my head I was thinking.... How could anything be wrong?  Maybe this is a mistake and it will be a miracle in the end?  I had so many thoughts running through my head and thought I need to just enjoy this moment when I think nothing is wrong with him as he is moving and kicking.  I also went to the specialist last week too.  It was a good thing I went to be reassured of the diagnoses and things aren't going to change.  They measured his bones, which are measuring normal to size. He is growing which is great!   His heart, stomach, kidney and spine look great!  He had a very strong heart beat.  In one of his ultra sound pics he was giving us a thumbs up.  Channing told me he is letting us know he is doing great and not to worry.  His legs are always stretched clear out and always relaxed.  Then when they got to his head and I could see no cranium bone. It was back to reality for me and this hard road we are on.  My sweet mom went with me to this appointment.  It was a very long, hard appointment, but very grateful I have her support.  The doctor was very kind and was going to have Intermountain Donors get in contact with me.  We are still wanting to donate any of his organs that we can. We meet with a lady about organ donation in a couple of weeks.  It is a little harder for anencephalic babies to do this as I took it, but I am anxious to hear more.  I probably won't go back to the Specialist Dr. anymore unless I need comfort and reassurance through another ultra sound. I will still proceed with my normal OB appointments.  We have a busy next few weeks again in preparation of Hoss's arrival. 

We went and met with the mortuary and talked about some different options for the service.  Again, so hard sometimes to know this is happening for real.  My brother-in-laws kind father made the casket for Hoss.  It looks so beautiful!  I am so grateful for his kind service. He is so talented!  

 I am very grateful to my Heavenly Father to have me prepare in a different way for a baby to come into this world.  I have seen tender mercies every day.  These last couple of weeks have been very emotional for me and may get harder as the time draws closer.  I haven't been feeling the best still, but I need to stop and feel the little miracle inside of me and everything else will disappear for a moment.  I love the holiday season for a time to reflect on this past year.  I want to quote two comments mad from my story that I will always remember.  First from my Aunt Robyn:  "If we could see beyond the veil and this cute little Hoss in grandma's arms.  I'm sure she is telling him all about his wonderful mother and family.  We are so blessed to have the gospel in our lives." The next one is from Kathy Golightly, Channing's aunt, "Our Heavenly Father is so proud of you and the example that you and Channing are.  I think that Grammie is holding Hoss in her arms now waiting for the time she can place him in your arms.  Then she will hold him and love him until we can all meet again.. What a great example of faith and love you are."

Channing and I were both very close to our grandmothers that have both passed.  I know it will be a special day when I deliver and the veil will be so close and be able to feel the comfort of our grandmothers.