Britney asked me the other night if I would like to post something to Hoss' blog. At the time I didn't feel like I had much to say and to be honest I still feel that way. I will apologize in advance if I say a lot of the same things that Brit has mentioned in her previous posts. When I first heard about Hoss' diagnosis of "Anencephaly" I really didn't know what to think. At first I felt like I had to be strong for Britney. I knew she was fairly devastated. I think the first thing I did was Google the word "Anencephaly."
I remember telling Britney that everything would work out the way it was supposed to, however feeling unsure myself. That feeling that creeps up in your gut, that feeling of not knowing or lack of insight. That feeling of not knowing how you can explain this disease to people, or how to explain something like this to your kids.
I have the opportunity to operate a dump truck for a living. This job as you can imagine requires driving around by yourself for 10 hours a day. Within that 10 hours there is a whole lot of time for one to think and ponder about things. I believe it was just a couple of days after finding out about Hoss that I was driving around in my dump truck when the tears began to fall. I had finally come to the realization that I was scared to death. I had no idea how to fix this problem that had come into our family, in a sense I felt totally helpless as a father and a provider. Something like this is not supposed to happen to me. It is only something that you hear about through a third party about somebody's cousins, friends neighbor who had a baby with Anencephaly. I could never have imagined that this would be happening to me and my little family. I have never been one to really wear sunglasses, however I am now found wearing them quite often. I do not wear them to block out the sun; I wear them to try to cover the tears running down my face.
Through this whole process I can honestly say that I have never felt any animosity toward our Father in Heaven. Elder Bednar taught us that we can "Choose to be Offended" I have chosen not to be offended and I have come to the exception that this journey with Hoss is definitely a blessing for our family. This is an experience that I would truly wish no one ever had to go through, however in the same sentence I wish that everyone could experience this great blessing.
I often try to think of reasons why Heavenly Father needs my little boy more than I do. I really wish I knew the answer. I know that he has been called to do a special work. I know that If nothing else he has definitely strengthened his Dad's testimony. I have learned more about the gospel of Jesus Christ and the love of our Savior in these past few months than I feel I have learned in my previous 29 years of life.
As the days draw nearer for us to meet our little angel I find myself feeling more and more excited. I obviously don't know how much time we will get to spend with our little one, I do know however that whether it be a few moments or a few hours it will definitely be time that we will remember forever. If our little family is only all together for a short time here on this earth life what a blessing. What a blessing to know that you have a child who has "made it!" What a blessing to know that because of Hoss we will all have a reason to get up each morning with the attitude to do a little better, to stand a little taller, to make our little brother proud. It will give us a reason to keep striving to live the commandments so that one day we can return to live with him again.
What a blessing it is to know that Hudson, Brystol and Hinklee even at their young age already have a greater understanding of the Plan of Salvation than most others twice or three times their age. What a blessing it is to know that they will have their little brother fighting Satan everyday in their behalf. What a blessing it is to know that if they "Do All The Good Things" they will be able to see their little brother again. What a blessing it is to know that in all situations they will never be alone. They will always have someone to look to for strength and inspiration.
When it comes down to it, our trial with Hoss is definitely a blessing from The Lord. We are human and it will be hard to say goodbye when that time comes, but until then I will choose to be excited awaiting the arrival of my little Hoss!
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